25 Sep don’t panic
Our department party was today. Lovely. It took all my will-power to go, but now that i’ve gone, i’m glad that i did. I made a red wine spritzer and spent nearly two hours drinking it. Look social with a drink in your hand, don’t get drunk and say something stupid. Katie and i left a little early – not too early – just early enough to not get cornered by the chairs (though, that plan didn’t work as one was lurking by the door – but more on that later), but not so early as to look rude. Katie is a doll!
I am always uncomfortable in social settings. I often get cornered by professors somehow. I don’t generally mind, i just worry that i’m intruding too much in their personal affairs when they start talking about their families and home life with each other. They’re lovely people with funny stories and great friendships – i do so love our faculty! But i sometimes wonder if i’ve accidentally landed in their conversations and how to extricate myself without making anyone uncomfortable. I mouthed “Save me!” to one of last year’s cohort. She smiled and kept talking. It turns out she couldn’t understand what i was saying…*sigh*
One of my committee (not chair) and i had a lovely chat. It was a bit of a love fest. I love moments like that. I so adore her. I just wish i could learn to relax and be comfortable around her.
I nearly escaped without having to admit that the NSF grant application process was stuck. That i am stuck.
(May i just insert here that i absolutely love and adore Gymnopedie No1 by Erik Satie?)
One of my chairs was by the door and waiting. We started out talking about the Singapore project (and awesome and amazing opportunity through the AAG to work on the CGGE: http://alturl.com/eo9q6). He’d had a pretty rotten go of things with his group. They were very uninterested in his ideas, then left him to do all the work. I feel so lucky that i had the group that i did. We had some issues of different standards of quality of work and things. But i was, technically, the most junior member of the group and happy to do the work as i suffer from a perfectionist streak that is hard to overcome. Everyone else was so very busy traveling and writing and doing that academic thing that we do. I was so delighted to work with the group that i did.
Then he asked the dreaded question: “How is the NSF grant going?” I wished i could disappear into my shoes. “Um…well…” And then he launched into it: you know the job market out there is tough. Did i see the position in Minnesota? You know So-and-So has applied to everything and he has 5 publications and several awards but no grant and he can’t find a job. The ones who get the jobs are the ones getting the grants. Not to make me panic or anything.
Oh dear lord.
So i’ve come home and am busy back at work. I got dressed to go out. Put in my contacts, put on make-up, dusted off my hat and dancing shoes. Then had a melt down. And am now re-reading Chandra Mohanty’s “Under Western Eyes” (the chapter, not the article) for the fifth time. I find her comforting. I’m thinking of diving into Managing Displacement by Jennifer Hyndman tonight. Haiti is a country filled with displaced people…i’m hoping for some inspiration from one of my heroes…
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